


Biodegradable

by TheDragonoyd



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Comedy, Existentialism, Gen, Surreal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23990503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDragonoyd/pseuds/TheDragonoyd
Summary: Plastic Pillow and his college misadventures.
Kudos: 1





	Biodegradable

Plastic Pillow, a gray-coated pegasus of unremarkable appearance, likes to mope around on his dorm room's floor--a time-honored tradition for all the high school graduates who get enrolled on Ponyville's School of Friendship due to their lack of decent academic performance and abjectly low GDP. As days passes by, however, Pillow's Roommate comes with the bad news, "It seems like we're running low on supplies. I don't think it will be possible to rationalize food for the next week. Pillow, I need you to scavange the school grounds for something for us to eat so we can survive a little longer."

The gray pegasus muster the necessary strength to put his atrophied larynx to use, "How could we be running low on supplies when we still have two entire packages of rice?" Roommate Pony, prompted almost immediatly by the situation, retorts saying he is afflicted by a compulsive disorder, and that eating rice would trigger his anxiety, so Pillow shouldn't eat those either. Plastic Pillow apologizes for his insensitivity regarding Roommate Pony's condition, then leaves the room in order to acquire provisions.

Pillow, walking down the hall, spots Nextdoor Pony--a unicorn generally labeled as friendly, who is majoring in gastronomy. Recognizing the central role cooking has in the existence of food, the foraging pegasus assume that Nextdoor would be able to give important leads. So, for the sake of completing his mission intelligently, Pillow strikes up a casual conversation with Nextdoor Pony as to encourage trust between both parties, "I overhead you talking about anime once from my room, which led me to presume the overall interaction was between you and Nerdy Pony, one of the dorm's most socially awkward and timid ponies. Taking this incident into consideration, I will assume you to be a closeted otaku. Otakus are empirically susceptible to social isolation, so I offer myself to talk about weeb subjects in exchange for your help in my food-procuring expedition."

"Umm... Well, actually... Sorry, but I'm just really busy right now-"

Nextdoor suddenly falls unconscious. Aware of Nextdoor Pony's status as a "friendly pony," Pillow concludes that his food-making friend was hangover. After all, popular ponies are statiscally more prone to drinking in parties in the weekends, so that was the most plausible explanation. Based on the treatment drunk ponies get on TV shows, Plastic Pillow knew he needed to find Nextdoor an empty bed so he could recover. However, he couldn't just use his dorm's bed for this, because drunks are also predisposed to random bursts of binge eating, and if Nextdoor were to eat Roommate's rice, there could be dangerous consequences.

Then, going through all of the room doors while walking down the hall, Pillow vigorously searched for an empty room. He didn't manage to find one, however. Fortunately, though, he came across the janitor's closet. And, since a closet and a dorm room both have walls and a door, Pillow assumed them to be structurally equivalent in nature. Pillow forced his way into that cramped space reserved for cleaning materials, so he could serve as company to Nextdoor in this dire circumstance--serotonin, a neurotransmitter which is important for ponies' health, is produced by having contact with others, after all.

While inside the janitor's closet, Nextdoor started to move; ever so slightly and erratically. Pillow knew that, when someone is injured, it is necessary to avoid moving, so the sensible gray pegasus forced his hooves into Nextdoor's mouth, blocking his respiratory passages so the culinary pony could descend into uncouciousness once again and not get hurt. This action was too drastic, and Nextdoor Pony abruptly woke up thanks to the shock.

Realizing Nextdoor was confused and distressed, Pillow attempted to recompose his friend's emotional comfort. Since alcohol was the animating factor behind Nextdoor's gradual descent into this uncomfortable situation, the astute gray pegasus decided to give his friend practical support and advice, "It may seem like drinking is a good ideia on the moment, since all your friends are doing it, but the consumption of alcoholic products can lead you to a life of hedonism and complicating consequences."

Upset by the present circumstances, Nextdoor Pony points out how moderate alcohol consumption can benefit your health, rendering Pillow's advice inherently misleading. Plastic Pillow leans toward one of the closet's wall; pondering on the newly received information. After much thought, he concluded that the only way to be entirely sure about alcohol's effects on someone's life was to conduct an empirical experiment. Recognizing the soundness of Pillow's conclusion, Nextdoor proceed to inspect the interior of the janitor's closet for some solution which resembled alcohol so that the two of them could perform their experiment.

Acknowledging the innate caution people express when dealing with both alcohol and bleach, it was clear to Nextdoor that this correlation implied a fundamental similarity between the two products. Pillow doubted that this was a valid correlation, "You're missing the point here, Nextdoor. Alcohol is produced inside bottles of glass; to think a recipient made of plastic materials could bear the same substance is ludicrous." But, as a gastronomy major, Nextdoor Pony had already heard this brand of criticism before, so he moved on to call out Pillow's intellectual dishonesty, "I've been trained to prepare potentially dangerous mixtures before in my domestic economy classes. You asserting my judgement to be flawed here would be a classical instance of an ad hominem fallacy."

Taken aback by Nextdoor's incredible logical reasoning, but still not completely convinced, Pillow decides to measure the amount of bleach each one would ingest, so that neither one of them would overdose. Nextdoor Pony agrees with this condition while pouring bleach in a bucket, ready to drink it. Before he could consumate this action, Roommate Pony suddenly opens the closet door; hyperventilating.

"What is it, Roommate?" asks Pillow, frustrated by the interruption. "I was running around the hall, since exercise prevents anxiety, but then I stumbled and opened this door by accident-" Nextdoor readily interjects, "There are no such thing as an 'accident.' You're obviously lying." "Don't believe me? Come out and see. I am almost breaking my own personal record," said Roommate, visibly distressed. "Oh, so now a lowly mud pony like you can be fast too? Funny. According to the results in athletic competitions, pegasi are the ones supposed to be agile," asserted the culinary unicorn, attempting to close the closet's door again, "Go be delusional somewhere else. We are doing something very special in here."

"Special, you say? Could it be that you two are engaging in sexual activity and are simply ashamed of admitting?" Pillow found the accusation to be illogical, "Nonsense, why would we be making sex in a closet to begin with? We are performing an experiment so to determine alcohol's detrimental effects on ponies' lives-" "*Supposed* detrimental effects, you mean, right?" exclaimed Nextdoor while closing in on Pillow's face. "Please, do not get so physically close to Pillow. It will trigger my anxiety," cried Roommate.

"Is that so? Okay, since that's the case, let's perform our experiment in my dorm room. There will be less anxiety-provoking variables." maneuvered Nextdoor, stepping out of the closet and enthusiastically pointing to his room. "Not only that, but we will also have a bigger sample to test our hypothesis, now that your friend is here, Pillow-" "Roommate. His name is Roommate," interjected Pillow, abruptly. That resonates with Nextdoor Pony, "Sorry, I get uncomfortable around earth ponies, so I tend to dismiss their identity and treat them with general disrespect. My father was an earth pony, and he would always com home drunk and with violent intend, beating me and my mom regularly. Since them I just pretend earth ponies have wings or horns, as to not make my trauma any more unbearable."

This rant is quickly disregarded, as Pillow and Roommate race to Nextdoor's room. Their motivating reason to be in here is to acquire additional supplies, first and foremost, and if they manage to reach Nextdoor's room before him, they would be able to consume his food under the pretense of being guests. As they open the room's door, however, they see that there already is someone in there--Candy Mare, Nextdoor's roommate.

"Is she okay? She looks uncouscious," Pillow asked, while entering the dorm room, observing the various bottles of Vodka and pills lying on the floor. "She's obviously sleeping out of exhaustion. Candy Mare is such a diligent pony; always going around the school's campus, running errands and whatnot-" "Shh, don't just call someone diligent like that. You have no consistent body of evidence to back you up, only your anedoctal experience. A unfounded claim like that could elicit unfortunate reactions from the pony you're talking about, since honesty is the main pillar when building a strong relationship with somebody," Pillow explained, at the same time trying to lift Candy Mare's body, aiming to put her in a bed so she can recover.

"Ugh... She's heavy," proclaimed Pillow, inteding on giving up, since he is too delicate for this kind of task. "She's sleeping, how would she hear what I'm saying about her, anyway?" "Candy is an attentive pony. Perhaps you would also begin to notice things if you tried at all, Roomate," warned Pillow, pointing out that Nextdoor had already managed to enter the dorm room. "You two disgust me. Why are you molesting that poor mare's body?" "You got it all backwards, Nextdoor, I was attempting to help her recover by putting her body in a more comfortable place-"

Nextdoor Pony cast a magic attack, damaging Pillow's face and interrupting his train of thought. "I love that mare with all my heart. I even started doing LSD because of her, despite it making me narcoleptic. I won't tolerate you touching her, okay?" Plastic Pillow tried to recompose himself, but the region just above his eye was bleeding. "Wow, that's so intense. I never had this sort of experience before in my life; fighting over a mare, talking about narcotics, etc. Is this what the popular, fun-loving youth do?" rambles Pillow, dismissing his injury.

"Are you okay, Pillow? Seeing you hurt makes me anxious," panicked Roommate. "It's fine. Emotional scars are much more concerning, common knowledge has it; so physical injuries are probably not worth ruminating over," rationalized the pegasus, even though he was showing signs of being debiliated. Overtaken by the intensity of the situation, Roommate take advantage of his position, kick-bucking Nextdoor Pony in the head, what sends him back to unconsciousness. The commotion disturbs Candy Mare, waking her up momentarily, just enough to let her puke all over Nextdoor Pony's body.

The whole situation was messed up; so much so that Roommate contemplates how powerful and dangerous a unicorn horn really is. Overrun by this frenetic realization, Roommate Pony gathers all his energy and brokes Nextdoor's horn, which cause a profuse torrent of blood to erupt. "I think we've burned this bridge. Let's run away from this school while we still can," rushed Plastic Pillow, somewhat amused with the current circumstances. Roommate agreed, pushing Pillow out of the dorm's window, "Escape by flying, then we can be more subtle and stealthy in this endeavor."

"I never learned how to fly!" shouted Pillow before falling out of the window; not needing too much effort to move his thin body. "Oh, no!" Roommate started to panic. He was alone, with an extremely injured pony on his hooves, a concerning amount of illicit substances around him, and a possible murder that could be traced back to him. At this moment, he hears someone approaching--it had to be the hall monitor. In his desperation, Roommate locked himself on the room's toilette; forcing himself not to make nervous sounds, but failing tragically. He could feel the presence getting closer and closer; "Oh, my," said the incursing pony upon seeing the scene. Roommate could only see the conspicuous shadows of the pony's hooves in the door's botton slot, and then there was a knock and a voice, "Is someone in there?"


End file.
